I'm Movin' On

Those who know me best might say that I have a rather backward way of exploring my way through life, and you know what, I wouldn’t change a single thing :)

In 2007, I set out to pursue the “American dream” of owning a house and by all pre-defined “standards” I did just that. The reality of owning my house, however, is that in the seven years that I’ve owned it, I have come close to losing it not once but twice. My entire life for the last six years has been about one big giant PLAN. I took a giant risk and went for my dream job only to have the market collapse 5 months later and I was left without a job – but left WITH a mortgage. At the worst of it, I was sleeping on an air mattress in my kitchen when the furnace (which controls the central A/C) went out and it was 94 degrees WITH a tiny window air conditioner running. I experienced an entire year of bill collectors calling multiple times every hour from 8 a.m. until 8 p.m. filling my voicemail box with 25-30 messages every single day. All calling for the same thing that I desperately wished I had more of so I could get them off my back. The pressure of keeping all of the balls in the air was unreal. One misstep anywhere and a whole new set of problems loomed. I was working close to 70 or 80 hours a week and juggling at times four different jobs/schedules. I was in a mess and every single action of my life had financial consequences which left me paralyzed and unable to really move or make decisions that would break me from it. And every single aspect of digging out involved another plan, and then another plan. It was far more than one person should have to bear. And yet, every day I counted my blessings that things weren’t worse. I was determined to not let the setbacks break my spirit because I knew that my hardship paled in comparison to others.’ 

Then one day last summer, I just got sick of it; I had just experienced the terrible déjà vu of coming close to losing my home a second time, I turned my life upside down by moving in two roommates who were virtual strangers to me but recommendations from good friends, and I had taken a THIRD job serving part-time at a local restaurant when I finally realized I wasn’t living my life true to who I really am at the core. I was striving to live up to that societal mold of having the house, the car, the nice 401(k), the husband, the 2.5 kids, etc. and I’ve realized that’s not necessarily MY dream. To me, a dream is a dream is a dream and I don’t think a dream is right or wrong. I’ve always been a big dreamer but I can confidently say that I’ve never thought about dreams in the same vein as everyone else. My dreams are starting to look vastly different and I could not be happier about that. I want to splash in puddles of rain. I want to walk barefoot on cold grass in the summer. I want to jump in a pile of leaves in the fall. I want to make snow angels in the winter. I want to smell the distinct smell of a campfire. I want to smile broadly. I want to SEE the world. I want to care for strangers. I want to find my soulmate and I want to love him fearlessly (and per my professor Brian Steffen, I want to argue with him over a good book). I want to feel things deeply. I want to hug generously. I want to make more mistakes. I want my life to be one never-ending adventure. I want to hike in the mountains. I want to wade in the rivers and streams, and swim in the waterfalls, lakes and oceans.  I want to tell stories. I want to laugh at nothing. I want to weep for people I don’t know. I want to savor the taste of coffee and eat fish on the coasts (and every kind of food in between). I want to make my unique mark on this world however it looks. And that’s just for starters.

I want my SOUL to be happy and nothing more. I want to pursue a life of deep meaning, selfless compassion and unwavering love. How can anyone fault me for this? How many of us are truly doing that? Three weeks ago, I went to an inner peace retreat in Santa Barbara, California. One of my days there, I sat on the beach breathing in the ocean air and feeling peaceful for the first time in a long time. My heart and soul both said, “More of this please.” So with that, I say good-bye to my house on Merklin Way and I will thank it for all of the wonderful memories and treasures I’ve tucked away into a corner of my heart. The next individual or family is getting one hell of a good house. I know some won’t understand my reasons for selling my house, I’ve already heard this, “well why would you pay virtually the same for apartment rent when you can have a house and keep building equity?” WHO GIVES A SHIT? What good is equity if you’re so tied down that you can’t even enjoy basic freedom? What good is a 401k if you never reach the retirement age to enjoy it? So you’re saving all of this money up AND THEN you’ll start living? Yes I am a goal-oriented and responsible person but that’s just one part of me. And that part doesn’t define me. Not anymore. None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow; I choose to live my life NOW.

The same can be said for the pressure to “settle down,” get married and have a family. You get to a certain age, especially for women, and people start looking at you differently. ‘When is SHE EVER going to get married? She’s running out of time for children you know. She must be an old maid.’ A year ago, I suddenly started feeling pressure about this whole idea, I thought about turning 33 and in my head I said “OhmygodI’mlosingmywindowoftimetoeverhavechildren!!!” And then I said “wait a minute; this is someone else telling me I need to do this, not me. I think I want to have children but I know that I’m not going to intentionally bring a child into this world unless I also found a partner who would be an excellent father. Maybe I’m ready for children and maybe I’m not. Maybe I’ll be ready tomorrow and maybe I’ll never be ready. Maybe I’m meant to have children or maybe I’m meant to adopt or maybe I’m not meant for children at all. Who knows?! At this point in time, I do not know. Leave me alone about the pressure, it’s unfair. And yet if those judging would stop for a moment to consider it, they might see that my life has just as big of a chance at lasting happiness because I’ve thought about all of these things. I’ve thought about the kind of partner I want to be. I’ve thought about the kind of person I deserve and who deserves me. I’m not willing to just pick anybody because of an arbitrary obligation to fulfill society’s demand for how I should live my life. I believe in all of those things with my whole heart: love, passion, humility, kindness, positivity, etc. And those are the frameworks and driving forces that guide my life at this stage. They aren’t the things you learn in college or high school or from family/friends or from work, for that matter. They’re the things you learn because of life experiences. Because of a willingness to put yourself out there. Because of the chance to push your limits and to make mistakes. Because of the opportunity to test your strength, perseverance and determination. Those life experiences that some people are too afraid to even try because god forbid it doesn’t line up with what everybody else thinks you should do. THAT to me, is living. All the rest is just striving to resemble an impossible standard void of any real meaning or passion. 

Regardless of what anyone else might think, I want to live a life of passion. I’ve never been more excited for a fresh start than I am right now. And not because I have some grand plan, but at the sheer exhilaration of having absolutely no plan at all.   

I have always referenced my path by the Robert Frost poem, “The Road Not Taken,” in it he wrote, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” So now, I begin my next great adventure. Life has been patiently waiting for me :)